Clams/transcript

"Clams"

	The Krusty Krab, day.
Sandals	Uh... [Sandals is revealed to stand in front of the counter, talking to Squidward.] Uh, what do you like better? The coral bits or the nacho oyster skins?
Squidward	I like neither. Can I take your order?
Sandals	How about the barnacle rings? Are they any good?
Squidward	No. What will you have?
Sandals	Well, uh, what's your vote on the kelp...
Squidward	[finally loses his temper and furiously throws the paper and pencil] Sir, let's just get this out of the way! I hate everything on the menu! Now what do you want?!
SpongeBob	[pops his head out from behind the kitchen window] Psst. Try the coral bits.
Sandals	Uh, I'll try the coral bits.
Squidward	That'll be one dollar. [rings up one dollar]
	Suddenly, a siren goes off.
Sandals	What's going on?
Squidward	Something stupid, I'm sure.
	The alarm stops as a curtain opens up to show a real band in the background playing carnival music. Mr. Krabs comes out from the restroom, cheering.
Mr. Krabs	Yippee! [kisses Sandals and Squidward, takes the dollar away, and laughs hysterically as he rubs it all over himself] Whoo-hoo! Whoa! Whoa! Whoo-ha! Whoo-ha! Whoo!
Squidward	See? I told you.
SpongeBob	What's wrong with Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs	[has a goofy expression then he runs over to the counter] Nothing, lad. Do you know what this is?
Squidward	A very dirty dollar?
Mr. Krabs	No! This is my one millionth dollar earned. Every Krab's goal in life is to make a million dollars, and now I got mine. Congratulations, sir! You have just given me my one millionth dollar!
Sandals	Ha, great. Uh, what do I win?
Mr. Krabs	Nothing!
	Music suddenly stops.
Mr. Krabs	[still smiling] Now get out! [swiping his hands outwards]
Sandals	Uh, what?
Mr. Krabs	[frustratedly] Get out! Everybody get out! You're spoiling me moment! [pushes everyone out the door] Me millionth dollar.
SpongeBob	Congratulations, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs	Congratulate yourselves, lads. A captain's nothing without his loyal crew. I mean, a crew like you [imagines SpongeBob and Squidward looking deformed] comes along maybe once in a lifetime. And to reward you for helping me make me millionth dollar, I'm taking you on a trip. [laughs]
SpongeBob	Wow! A trip!
Squidward	I can't believe it, Mr. Krabs. Where we going? Fancy Springs?
	The scene cuts to the three of them in a pool.
Mr. Krabs	No.
	The scene cuts to back the three of them in the Krusty Krab.
Squidward	Pamper Island?
	The scene cuts to the three of them lying on towels at a beach.
Mr. Krabs	Try again.
	The scene cuts to back the three of them in the Krusty Krab.
Squidward	Oh, oh, oh! Bikini Bottom Folk Village?
	The scene cuts to the three of them in 18th century clothing.
Mr. Krabs	Better than that.
	The scene cuts to them wearing raincoats on a boat accompanied by a foghorn noise.
Squidward	Clam fishing? This is the reward we get for all our hard work? [clams are jumping] Fishing for stinky clams on a smelly old boat in a filthy lagoon? You call this fun?
Mr. Krabs	Aw, come on now, Squidward. Three fellas at sea with nothing to do but throw their lines in the water, catch a few clams [catches a clam then he throws it back] and then throw them back. Don't you think that's fun?
Squidward	No. [takes off his raincoat and sits on his chair] And to think I could be wearing a powdered wig right now.
SpongeBob	Hey, Squidward, you want me to cast out over here so you can watch me?
Squidward	How about you cast out over there so I can ignore you.
SpongeBob	Okay!
	SpongeBob casts his line behind him which catches on Squidward's magazine. SpongeBob brings his line forward and casts it in the lagoon. SpongeBob casts Squidward's chair.
Squidward	Hey, watch where you're swinging that... [SpongeBob casts Squidward's shirt out in the lagoon] SpongeBob, be careful with... [SpongeBob hooks Squidward's nose, pulls it off his face, and Squidward screams in pain after the camera cuts to an overhead view of the boat right before he walks up to Mr. Krabs with his nose ripped off.] Okay, I've had enough.
Mr. Krabs	[laughs] Oh, Squidward, you got to lighten up. [SpongeBob is still casting out items while Mr. Krabs talks to Squidward] Sure the lad's a bit overeager, but you've got to learn to roll with the punches, go with the flow. And don't bring anything on a boat that you ain't prepared to lose! [laughs. The hook in SpongeBob's fishing rod touches Mr. Krabs millionth dollar. He gasps.] Me millionth dollar! [SpongeBob tears Mr. Krabs' pants off and casts his dollar to the lagoon] SpongeBob, wait! SpongeBob, you hooked me millionth dollar on the back swing! Reel it in before I keelhaul ya!
	Ominous orchestral music begins playing. Mr. Krabs' pupils shrink in shock.
Mr. Krabs	Oh, no. SpongeBob, quick, reel it in! Can't you hear the music?! That's a 4/4 string ostinato in D minor! Every sailor knows that means death! Reel it in before it's too late! Hurry, SpongeBob, the music's getting faster!
	SpongeBob reels it in as fast as he can. Mr. Krabs opens the doors to the live-action orchestra.
Mr. Krabs	There ya are, ya stinkin' bilge rats! [to the trumpeters] Stop playing that music! [to the conductor] Stop it, please! [to the violinists] I'm begging ya! Come on, honey, you can make it. Swim faster! Come to me, baby! Come on back! Hurry, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob	Here she comes. [Mr. Krabs begs, saying "please" repeatedly. SpongeBob reels the dollar in.] She made it!
Mr. Krabs	[holds up the dollar and cheers] For a second or two, I thought she was a goner!
	Evil-sounding orchestra music plays again. Suddenly, a giant clam jumps up and takes Mr. Krabs' dollar. It takes a while for Mr. Krabs to notice his dollar is no longer in his claw. The clam swims away. The scene cuts as Mr. Krabs' eyes well up with tears, and he starts to cry.
Squidward	So, some trip, eh, Mr. Krabs?
Mr. Krabs	Oh, Squidward, you're never gonna believe it! A giant blue-lipped clam ate me millionth dollar! [sobbing and flops to the ground] I lost me dollar, and I'll never get it back! [whips his eyes against the floor] Never, never, never, never, never!
SpongeBob	I've never seen Mr. Krabs so broken up.
	Mr. Krabs is literally in pieces, crying.
Squidward	Oh, puh-lease, he's such a drama queen. C'mon, Mr. Krabs, drop the act. [Mr. Krabs is crying while sucking his feet] Mr. Krabs, it's just a stupid dollar. [Mr. Krabs continues crying as he pours tears into his mouth] For Pete's sake, Mr. Krabs, suck it up! [Mr. Krabs' eyes inflate then squirt out tears] Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs is wailing, and pouring his tears like a fountain] Mr. Krabs... [Mr. Krabs is sobbing like a faucet and Squidward has had enough.] Okay, okay, Mr. Krabs, we'll help you get your dollar back!
Mr. Krabs	[sucks on Hans' thumb, then he throws him away upon hearing what Squidward just said] You will? Great! Wait right here. [runs off to get some items and comes back with a bunch of fishing gear on] Here's where clam fishing gets serious. [The scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is on top of the boat and SpongeBob and Squidward are on the lower deck.] Okay, you boys man the fishing poles and I'll keep me eyes peeled for Old Bluelip.
SpongeBob	[salutes] Aye aye, captain!
Mr. Krabs	And remember, we don't leave until we catch that clam and rescue me dollar.
	Mr. Krabs scouts the area. The scene cuts to later where Mr. Krabs has a beard from scouting for too long. Squidward and SpongeBob also grow beards.
Squidward	[tears off his beard] That's it, I'm finished! We've been here for three days and haven't gotten a nibble. This is hopeless!
SpongeBob	Yeah, and I've gotta get home to feed Gary.
	The scene cuts to Gary chewing up SpongeBob's couch at home. Back at the fishing boat, Squidward is annoyed.
Squidward	We're gonna die out here just because a clam ate Mr. Krabs' stupid dollar. [takes a dollar out of his wallet] Well, if he wants his dollar back, I say we give it to him. Know what I mean? Huh? Huh? Huh?
SpongeBob	Oh, I get ya. [jabbers]
	The scene cuts to later in the day where Mr. Krabs is still scouting the area.
SpongeBob and Squidward	Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs! [Mr. Krabs steers his eyes toward the other two to see them waving a dollar] Look what we've got!
Mr. Krabs	[jumps down and gasps] Could it be? [takes the dollar] Me millionth dollar? [starts cheering again as well as SpongeBob and Squidward] Whoo-hoo! [rubs the dollar on himself but he notices something strange so he stops dancing] Wait a minute... [Mr. Krabs rubs the dollar back and forth again and points at the dollar, worried.] This isn't me millionth dollar. [SpongeBob and Squidward look at each other] This is an ordinary dollar that's been crumpled up, torn slightly, soaked in the lagoon, [shows his dollar bill just like described] and kissed with Coral Blue #2 Semi-Gloss Lipstick.
SpongeBob	[wearing blue lipstick] Actually, it's Coral Blue number—
	Squidward hits him on the head with the fishing pole.
Mr. Krabs	I trusted you, and you gave me this?! I can't believe me own crew would betray me like this.
	Mr. Krabs starts weeping.
Squidward	No. Uh-uh. No, we will not be swayed by tears anymore.
Mr. Krabs	[stops weeping, then narrows his eyes] I see. Then I guess I have no choice but to offer a reward.
Squidward	You're kidding?
SpongeBob	Woo! Is it another fishing trip?
Mr. Krabs	No, it's this sandwich.
	Krabs nails the sandwich to a flagpole.
Squidward	A sandwich? You expect me to break my back over a sandwich?
Mr. Krabs	Not A sandwich. [throws the other sandwiches into the water] THE sandwich.
Squidward	Whatever. We've got plenty more to... [He and SpongeBob become shocked. Mr. Krabs is angry now. He grins devilishly as he throws the refrigerator into the water.] ...eat.
Mr. Krabs	Now, I think we understand each other. Nobody eats until I get me millionth dollar back.
Squidward	Uhh, SpongeBob, can I have a word with you? [quietly] Have you noticed that Mr. Krabs has gone... [now loudly] completely insane?!
SpongeBob	What do you mean?
Squidward	Just look at him.
	Squidward points to Mr. Krabs, who is dressed like he is at a funeral, crying at a tombstone with the words "R.I.P. Me Millionth Dollar" on it. He then hugs it.
SpongeBob	Squidward, he's lost something near and dear to him. Haven't you-
	Mr. Krabs is heard laughing oddly.
Squidward	Look again.
	Mr. Krabs uses his eyes as a jump rope while giggling like a crazy person.
SpongeBob	[now visibly scared] You're right. How do we get out of here?
Squidward	If we're real quiet, we can sneak over to the lifeboat.
SpongeBob	Okay. [he and Squidward take a step, only to begin screaming as they sprint over to the lifeboat. They jump into it, only to eventually come back onto the boat tied up. Mr. Krabs pops his head out of the lifeboat.
Mr. Krabs	[angrily] So, you thought you'd skip out on old Krabs, did ya? Even after you promised to help me. I know what you're thinking. "It's just a dumb old dollar. Let's just leave the old man. He won't notice." [cries] Well, it's not going down like that. There's only one use for a backstabbing crew like you: [the scene cuts to Mr. Krabs hanging his line over the boat. SpongeBob and Squidward are attached to the line] live bait.
Squidward	You're crazy! If that clam didn't come before, what makes you think he'll come now?!
Mr. Krabs	[dressed up as a conductor] Ohh, he'll come.
	Krabs taps the book using his baton and the doors open up to the live-action orchestra and begins to play the 4/4 string ostinato in D minor. SpongeBob and Squidward shake and scream in horror.
Squidward	Mr. Krabs, listen, I work with SpongeBob all day long, so I know what I'm talking about when I say... [yells] you are completely out of your mind!
	Mr. Krabs laughing maniacally while conducting the orchestra. The giant clam emerges above the lagoon coming closer to the two on the line.
Squidward	[screams] Get us out of here!
Mr. Krabs	Come on, fresh meat! [SpongeBob and Squidward scream as they try to wiggle back and forth to avoid the giant clam] Keep thrashing! He likes it! [both continue to scream and bounce up and down really fast] Come on, boy! Closer. Closer. Almost there. [a giant clam shows the dollar on its tongue] That's it! [closes the doors to cause the music to stop. The giant clam stops in mid-air and Mr. Krabs jumps inside it to take the dollar] Aha! Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Look, boys, I finally got it! [rubs his dollar on himself] I finally got me millionth dollar!
	The cabin doors open to play the ominous music again. The giant clam closes its mouth, with Mr. Krabs inside, and dives into the lagoon. The cabin doors close as the conductor takes a bow.
SpongeBob	Oh, poor Mr. Krabs. Gone forever out of our lives. [a tear falls down his cheek] Why couldn't it have been me?!
Squidward	Yes, why couldn't it have been you?! [crying]
SpongeBob	Why did he have to go like this, why?! [sobbing]
Squidward	Why did he have to go like this and leave me tied to this idiot?! [both cry loudly]
Mr. Krabs	Hello, boys! [SpongeBob and Squidward stop crying]
SpongeBob and Squidward	Mr. Krabs?
	Mr. Krabs' head is above the lagoon.
Mr. Krabs	Have you boys met... [holds his millionth dollar up] ...me millionth dollar? [laughs]
SpongeBob	Wow, how did you get it back?
Mr. Krabs	It wasn't easy. Old Bluelip's is quite the fighter, so, eventually, we settled on a trade.
SpongeBob	What did you give him?
	Mr. Krabs jumps back up on the boat, revealing himself as only having a head and left arm.
Mr. Krabs	Nothing important.
	Krabs laughs. SpongeBob and Squidward look at him, shocked.
End of "Clams"