Transcript/SB-129

This is the transcript for the SpongeBob SquarePants Season 1 episode "SB-129".

Characters

• French Narrator
• SpongeBob SquarePants
• Patrick Star
• Squidward Tentacles
• SpongeTron
  • SpongeTron clones
• PatTron
• Primitive SpongeBob
• Primitive Patrick
• Nowhere Voices

Dialogue

French Narrator: Ah, it is Sunday morning in Bikini Bottom, and it is about time for Squidward to practice his clarinet. So get your earplugs ready.

Squidward: (kisses clarinet) I think I'll treat Bikini Bottom to some real music.

(As Squidward is about to play, SpongeBob's alarm horn goes off and sends Squidward’s clarinet into his throat. Squidward says "ow" and claws in futile at his throat)

SpongeBob: Good morning, Squidward! Want to go jellyfishing? (Squidward tries to refuse but his stuck clarinet sounds every time he tries to talk) Great! We'll be right over.

(Squidward finally pulls the clarinet out of his throat with great struggle. Energetic door knocks are heard)

Squidward: I wonder who that could be. (Squidward opens the front door)

SpongeBob: Ready to go?

Squidward: No, I'm not ready to go! (slams the door)

Patrick: He doesn't want to play with us.

SpongeBob: No, Patrick, he's just not ready. (Squidward tries to play his clarinet again but hears another knock at the door; opens it) Ready now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Then he goes back to try to play clarinet but hears yet another knock at the door. Squidward gets angry)

SpongeBob: How about now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. He then hears another knock at his door) Huh? (opens door)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: How about now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door. Hears knock at door and opens it)

SpongeBob: Now?

Squidward: No! (slams door, then opens it) No! (slams door, then opens it. Notices they are both gone, then he gets a tap on his shoulder from SpongeBob, who is behind him) What?!

SpongeBob: Ready yet?

Squidward: No, I'm not ready! I'll never be ready! Don't you get it?

SpongeBob: Sure we do.

Squidward: What? (angrily shuts door and leaves, but realizes he is outside his house and knocks on the door for SpongeBob to open it. SpongeBob opens it)

SpongeBob: Ready?

(Squidward pushes them both out of his house)

Squidward: Out! Sheesh! Shouldn't you be at work today, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob: I'd love to be at work today! (SpongeBob becomes sad) But it's Sunday. The Krusty Krab is closed.

(Squidward gets an idea)

Squidward: Hold on a second. I'll be right out.

(Squidward closes door. He tip-toes out the other way of his house past an expectant SpongeBob and Patrick to the Krusty Krab) Hello? (silence) Ah, alone at last! (prepares to play his clarinet but SpongeBob & Patrick enter)

SpongeBob & Patrick: Squidward! Squidward! (Squidward runs into the kitchen to hide from them as SpongeBob & Patrick come in the Krusty Krab and search for Squidward) Squidward! (Squidward runs into the freezer) Squidward! Oh, Squidward! (Squidward peeks out as SpongeBob & Patrick look for him) Squidward!

SpongeBob: Well, he's not here. I'll bet that eager beaver's already down at Jellyfish Fields.

(SpongeBob and Patrick leave the Krusty Krab)

Squidward: A-ha! They're finally gone. (tries to open the freezer but it's locked from the inside) What the...? Locked? Oh no! (changes from being scared to confident) Oh, well, someone will realize I'm gone and come looking for me. I'll be out of here in no time.

French Narrator: 2000 Years Later.

(Shows Squidward still inside the freezer, frozen; the hinges are rusty, and they fall off; the door falls with Squidward frozen behind it; SpongeTron flies over, and then back to, Squidward)

SpongeTron: Holy Krabby Patties! A frozen cephalopod! (SpongeTron's rocket jets change to shoes; grabs a chrome hammer; from the hammer comes a red laser, which melts the ice... and Squidward's behind; Squidward screams)

Squidward: (trancelike) I'll be out of here in no time.

SpongeTron: Greetings, primitive.

Squidward: Sp...SpongeBob? Is that you?

SpongeTron: SpongeBob? No! (robot voice) I am SpongeTron. (normal voice) Welcome to the future.

Squidward: What?

SpongeTron: Welcome to the future.

Squidward: Uhh, the future? Huh? (looks around) Okay, what's going on here? Why is everything...chrome?

SpongeTron: Everything is chrome in the future!

Squidward: Wha...? Uhh...Uhh... (Squidward dashes to window; looks outside it) Oh, my!

(Squidward surveys the landscape, which is made entirely out of chrome)

Squidward: (Shocked) Impossible! He's lying! (flower pops up from underground, with a vehicle immediately arriving; a worker comes up to the flower and sprays it with chrome paint, then leaves) He's right!

SpongeTron: Of course I'm right, Squidward. Just ask my clones: Spongetron X, Y, and Z. (Squidward turns around and gasps)

Squidward: Are the...other, letters of the alphabet involved here?

SpongeTron: Sure! All 486 of them.

(A stunned Squidward slowly lies down, then does sit-ups while moaning the word "future" as part of having a mental breakdown)

Squidward: Future! Future! Future! Future! (SpongeTron, out of pity, drops a brick on Squidward's head)

Squidward: Thanks. (stands up) Now listen! All of you! I don't belong here. This is all a horrible mistake. Please, we've got to do something!

SpongeTron X, Y, Z: (pull out jellyfishing nets) Jellyfishing! (a two-headed Patrick appears out of nowhere)

PatTron: Did somebody say jellyfishing? (pulls out jellyfishing net)

SpongeTron: Hi, PatTron!

Squidward: (Irritated Squidward stammers) J-just listen to me! I'm not supposed to be here. I gotta get home to my own time period. I gotta go!

SpongeTron: Well, why didn't you just ask? The time machine is down the hall, to the left. (motions to it with his finger)

(Squidward excitedly dashes into the corridor and enters through the left door gleefully laughing; the sound of a can opener being used can be heard, and Squidward exits, having been torn into pieces)

SpongeTron: Whoops! Oh yeah, that one's the can opener. But try the one on the right.

(Squidward tries the door on the right and enters in a pastel colored-room that features a slot looking machine that says "past" and "future" on it. A lever is in the center, which controls the machine)

Squidward: (now normal looking) Well, I wouldn't have chosen this interior. Oh, what's this? Well, if SpongeBob exists in the future, I'd better go to the past.

(Squidward turns the key and puts the lever on "past". A siren goes off as the time machine disappears from where it used to be in the Krusty Krab, leaving a gaping hole in the wall; SpongeTron waves Squidward goodbye. After a brief moment in a time vortex, the time machine appears in a primitive version of Bikini Bottom. Squidward opens the door, looking out to see a prehistoric creature swim by)

Squidward: (exits the machine and walks around) Wow, primitive. Has sort of an old-world charm. (a creature swims by really close to Squidward's face) Whoa! I guess this is before manners were invented! Well, at least there's no sign of SpongeBrat. Maybe now I can finally be alone with my clarinet.

(Squidward hears a noise, turns around but some shadow quickly hides. Hears another noise and checks again but a different shadow hides)

Squidward: Huh? (one of the shadow figures swings from tree to tree) What? (a shadow figure hides behind a tree) Huh? (the other shadow figure hides behind a ledge. Squidward keeps walking and then notices a prehistoric SpongeBob on the ground) SpongeBob? (Primitive SpongeBob screams) Ahhh!!! Stay back!!!

(Primitive SpongeBob touches Squidward's arm, and then sniffs his finger from what he touched. Tries to give some to Squidward)

Squidward: Uhh, no thanks. (Squidward feels some breathing on him and he turns and notices a prehistoric Patrick breathing on him. Primitive Patrick smiles and has nasty, rotten teeth) Uhh, hi there. Well, I better be going now. (Primitive Patrick grabs Squidward's tentacle) Yes, that's my arm.

(Primitive SpongeBob puts Squidward’s arm on his head and Primitive Patrick licks Squidward's hand)

Squidward: Oh, that's sweet. (Primitive Patrick gets scared) What, is it time for your flea bath now? (a jellyfish swims by and Primitive Patrick ducks for protection) Oh, it's just a little jellyfish. (Primitive Sponge & Patrick run around screaming) Well, I'm going away now. (Squidward walks away)

Squidward: (settles down on ground) Ah, here's a nice, shady spot, away from those fools. (Squidward plays his clarinet but each time he tries to play, Primitive SpongeBob or Patrick holler; each of them are giving a turn at holding the jellyfish)

Squidward: (walks over to Primitive SpongeBob & Patrick, who are startled by his appearance) What are you simpletons doing?! You're supposed to catch these things, not torture yourself with them! (Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick are confused) Give me those loincloths!

(Primate Sponge and Prehistoric Starfish tear off a piece of their loincloth and hand them to Squidward)

Squidward: (fashions nets out of them) I can't believe it. Out of all the...(Mutters incomprehensibly) This ought to make things go a little smoother. (gives Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick their nets. They put the nets on their lips. Squidward frustratingly slaps his face, then grabs the nets back)

Squidward: Give me those things. You're supposed to catch them, like this. (Squidward catches the jellyfish in one of the loincloth nets) It's called jellyfishing.

(Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick grab the nets, mutter assent with the other, and start chasing the jellyfish)

Squidward: Ah, finally! (sits on the ground and starts to play his clarinet, albeit badly. Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick hear the wretched sound, go berserk, and chase a terrified Squidward. Squidward runs into the time machine as Primitive SpongeBob and Patrick try to get in by climbing on top of it)

Squidward: Ahh! Get me out of here! (moves the time lever up and down really fast and breaks it off completely) Uh-oh. (slot machine spins and stops on 2 lemons and a "bar")

Time Machine: Loser.

(Primitive SpongeBob & Primitive Patrick bang on the time machine trying to get in until it disappears into thin-air. The time machine starts shaking with Squidward inside of it as another siren goes off)

Squidward: (moans in fear as he mouths "what's going on?")

(The time machine goes through all sorts of dimensions until it completely vanishes, rendering Squidward in a blank, white space. As Squidward walks along, his footstep sounds amplified, he sees some sort of colored tiles and lifts one up with a creaking sound; it floats into the air and vanishes. The only sound that can be heard are odd, vocal sounds and mutterings in the distance)

Squidward: He's not here. No more SpongeBob. No more! I may finally have found a place where I can be all...(Squidward suddenly shrinks)...alone!

(The word "alone" appears multiple times, with a voice correspondent to each word; Squidward, still shrinking, is completely obscured by the words, and eventually the voices become louder and simultaneous with each other as the cluster of "alone" words shrink into the distance)

Nowhere Voices: Alone. Alone! Alone. Alone. Alone! Alone. Alone! Alone. Alone. alone! Alone. Alone! ALONE! ALONE! ALONE!

(Squidward's head suddenly pops up and obscures the screen)

Squidward: I gotta get out of here! (Squidward frantically tries to run in order to escape, but he instead repeatedly loops back to where he started) Where's the time machine?! Where's anything!?!? Where, where, where, where?! where, whe-(jumps up and down angrily and busts a hole through the ground into the time machine)

Squidward: (standing up, Squidward bangs his fists against the slot machine) I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I want to go home! I miss Bikini Bottom. I miss my Easter Island head. I even miss SpongeBob!

(when Squidward says "SpongeBob", the time machine is suddenly transported to present day Bikini Bottom in front of SpongeBob, Patrick, and Squidward's houses, where SpongeBob & Patrick are still waiting for Squidward)

Squidward: (excitedly peeks his head out and climbs out of time machine) SpongeBob! Patrick!

SpongeBob & Patrick: Hi, Squidward.

Squidward: (excitedly stammers before calming down) Oh, I'm back! I-I can't believe this. I...I..I was in space, and I went to the future and, and then I went to the past, and, and then, then I was nowhere, but now I'm back and, and...you don't know how happy I am to see you guys.

SpongeBob: Does this mean you want to go...

SpongeBob & Patrick: (raise their jellyfishing nets) Jellyfishing?

Squidward: (becomes angry) No!! Ohh...doh, who's the barnacle head who invented that game anyway?

SpongeBob & Patrick: You are, Squidward! (SpongeBob & Patrick laugh in front of a speechless Squidward)

(The scene cuts to a shot of the opening's island, before fading to black)

Squidward: I'm going back.